At some point in the early 1500s, the Spanish government spent a ludicrous amount of money building ships and providing supplies in order for explorers to discover more of the New World. These rigorous trips across the Atlantic Ocean could take months, and success was far from a guarantee.

After mind-numbing, spirit-breaking days and nights aboard these ships, these conquistadors finally made landfall in a place we now know as Florida. They were greeted by hellish heat and humidity, relentless swarms of mosquitoes, poisonous snakes and massive alligators. Even the foliage was ruthless. These explorers had their legs sliced open by the serrated edges of the blades of sawgrass as they trudged through thick, murky swamps. It was hell on earth.

Many conquistadors died. Some got malaria from mosquitoes. Some suffered severe dehydration. Some were attacked by wild animals. However, at the end of the day, the general consensus amongst the conquistadors and the Spanish government was essentially, “Yup! This is perfect. Let’s set up shop here.”

While many will praise the conquistadors for their bravery and their perseverance, I think they were just fucking deranged.

I’m writing this passage in the second half of the year 2015. Over five hundred years have passed since my home state was discovered. As a species, we humans are exponentially more intelligent than we were back then. We know just about all there is to know about the geography and weather patterns of every square inch of this planet. Yet, here we are. People with poisoned brains are still voluntarily subjecting themselves to some of the most disgusting conditions that Mother Nature has to offer.

I strongly dislike Florida and I’d love to leave one day. I’ve never lived anywhere else, but it’s never felt like home. The heat, humidity and sunshine do to me what I assume the cold does for people that moved here of their own accord. The heat depresses me. It makes me bitter. It makes me sad. I live for cool, gloomy rainy days during the summer and our pitiful two-month excuse for a winter. Those are the times I feel the most alive.

I need to get my degree and get the hell out of here.


4 thoughts on “Conquistadors

  1. Well, Cullen there is definitely room where I’m at, but it’s hot as hell here too. None the less your mother would love to have you here. By the way, why no blog entries for the 4th, 5th, and 6th. I look forward to them daily. So I expect you to get out your writing pen soon and by the way thank you.


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